On Imposter Syndrome
While it’s not in the DSM, those who have experienced it, know that Imposter Syndrome is nevertheless very real. And in the world of advanced academic degrees, it seems to be quite prevalent.
Like many white men in their 20s, I used to breeze through the world with relative confidence. I earned an undergraduate and even a master’s degree that way. While technically a first-generation college student, combined effects of my large state institution’s supports for first gen students (go hawks!), the experience of older siblings who had attended college before me, and the advice of parents who had navigated nursing school later in life, helped to mitigate the complications many first gen students face.
Then I decided to work toward a doctorate.
I was admitted to and happily accepted a spot in a William & Mary’s doctoral program in American Studies in 2020. I faced a shift disciplinary—from art history, which is predominantly concerned with primary source material to American Studies, which at least to my spongy and unsophisticated mind felt much more enthusiastic about the applications of theory. I kept up but also often felt like my grad student colleagues were ahead of me.
I also found an institution steeped (arguably overly so) in tradition. William & Mary was established by its namesakes in 1693, which makes it the oldest public and second-oldest institution of higher education in the United States. I’ve sometimes joked that when I arrived, it still operated like it was the late-seventeenth century.
But lest you think I was totally bootstrapping it, lots of good people work there and helped me navigate seemingly opaque and antiquated processes. And to their credit, things have gotten much better over the course of my studies. There remains a tremendous irony, though, in the fact that higher education remains—despite recent political attacks—an incredible tool for social mobility, yet much of the higher ed system is set up to support an already affluent class.
So the thing is: it remains surprising when good things happen to me!
Earlier this spring, I was awarded a fellowship to support my dissertation research and writing. I keep describing it simply as “fancy,” and the Henry Luce Foundation / American Council of Learned Societies Dissertation Fellowship in American Art is awarded to only seven scholars per year. Many of the people who have held it in the past have become giants in the field of American art history.
When I got the news via email, I literally couldn’t believe it. My wife can attest that she had to read the message and assure me of its veracity. I recognize that this award is the product of hard work, yes, but also of some good fortune.
Nevertheless, I’ve been trying to soak in the congratulatory messages from friends, colleagues, and advisors. William & Mary put out a nice profile about my work, as did my local newspaper. I’m genuinely looking forward to the year ahead. I’m working on putting the feelings of self-doubt and unworthiness to bed, and I’ll try to write more here as I do.
a huge congratulations!